Trying to get caught up.

Life has been insane like you wouldn't believe. So many things have been happening in my life that I must say I feel good about.

I got a book contract. I have a year to get the story written and then sent in. So I'm finally going to be published. From there, I'm hoping I get picked up and become a bit more better. It has to be a romance story of course and I honestly dont mind. But mostly its suppose to be action and stuff, so I'm going to write it about what I love the most; Druids, Celts and all that good stuff.

I have been dating, which not only is freakin scary for me but unreal. I'm actually dating. I'm actually going out there and trying it out. Its different that's for sure. Not what I would really expect . I have had so far my share of miserable dates. I've also had my share of great dates, where the guy doesn't call back at all. You know what though, I really wasn't sad or disappointed at all. It seems my friends were the ones that were more hung up on it. They kept saying "why hasn't he called you?" I just say "I dont know, but I guess he has his reasons. Oh well his loss." And that's how I'm looking at it all. I'm 28 years old, and I can finally and proudly say I'm not thinking like a freaking scared little woman anymore. Yes I do have my reservations about a great many things, but I've just come to point in my life where...well....this is who I am. This is not only who I am but I have definitely some wants that I need in my life. I guess they couldn't fulfill it but that isn't something I can solve for them. Definitely taking a great bit of the information and advice I've heard from Shane, Marc and Scott and using it very carefully. Its just weird you know.

I do know though that....it feels like my life is finally going in the direction I want it to. Things are looking up in many ways, and have been for the past few months. Not only that but they are very....its hard to explain. Breaking up with Charlie was the best thing for me. There are a great many things I noticed NOW that I didn't then. Its amazing that I didn't notice it. The big one for sure is his victim mentality. He's told me that he's a screw up and he's a mess up and he goes on about it. I just said that it was his life and he lives it however he sees fit. I know that is something I CANT STAND in a man. That victim mentality drives me nuts. I used to be a victim. Hell, I'm still going to counseling for my rape but I know for sure I got my ass out of that mentality. It took me years and I sure as hell tried to never let on abou it but that is one thing my counselor said I DON'T do. Yes, I may feel down about some things sometimes, but I don't berate myself to the point of using guilt trips for the bad things that happen. I know now that's what Charlie did. Unfortunately though he thinks I'm going to go back to him. And I'm not. He thinks that after he is appointed Chief of the tribes,I will go back to him and what we had. And I'm not. He couldn't support me in the way I needed to be. I never asked him to be anything but himself but I did ask him to be there when I needed him, he couldn't do that. In truth he refused to and I can't live with that.

Sad you know.

I'm falling asleep so maybe I'll finish this later.