Thursday, August 04, 2005

Elusively seeded

I suppose true to form my direction in life has changed with a decision, an action and a thought.. It's just as well I guess. You could say its the "waiting for a star to fall". It all has to do with men, of course, as with anything that I get into "deep" discussion about. The ever elusive male mentality that even though I teach at an all boys school doesn't matter, cause I still don't understand them. I don't have a said man that I am trying to understand, cause well...*chuckles* I seem to be attracted to strong, silent, difficult types. Which of course makes life a living hell when I hit the wall and their absolute rigidity of what I threaten in them sparks the red flags.

I'm good at that you know. If I could understand how in the hell I always manage to end up in this damn situation I would stop it. But its the same every single time. I seem to be attracted to those men who somehow manage to pull at me. They pull at this part in me that makes me take them from complete and total stranger to someone you want to understand. Someone you truly and honestly want to know. And its that....intangible thing, that ethereal, impalpable yet perceivable, and actual, elusive feeling. That....part that I tell myself, so I don't sound like a loon when I try to rationalize it or when I try to tell my friends. But as hard as I try, its just something I can't explain.

Its that feeling you know? When something inside longs and reaches for that elusive. Its that feeling when you get to know someone....(him/he....for this entry) whether its as a friend, or...even if he's a friend that you want him to be more. Somewhere deep inside you, you feel a connection, and you are willing bet everything on that connection. doesn't matter how it gets there, but you FEEL it. You can grab on to it, and you know that its there. No matter how much its denied, or how much he pushes you away, and hurts you with the truth....its there. You want to tell yourself your nuts...for feeling it, but its there. Something telling you that you crossed his path for a reason. That he's your life for a reason. Even if you keep yourself closed off, even if you tell yourself so many times, that this time I'll be careful. That...this time....I won't let myself feel too deeply. Or as I keep telling myself over and over again, 'you know its never going to work, because he'll refuse to move from what is comfortable to him. He'll think you're trying to change him.' And the funny thing is....everyone lives for that feeling. No matter how cynical we are, or how private we are, or how closed off we are. Somehow we want that feeling. We want that someone to understand us, but its reality that gets in the way. That stubborn neighbor that comes over and takes a tool that they'll never return. That reality that is so close to ringing the doorbell when it comes to a good part in the movie. That's what holds us all back. That's what....drives us to be the people we are.

And I know that everyone lives for it. That at the deep center of who we are, we want that one person we can rely on. That one person that sees us in spite of our faults, and knows we can be difficult and we can be so hard on ourselves. And in spite of all that, we just want someone to take that away...even if its for just a moment. Just so we can feel that connection. We live for it, whether its a small reassurance that tells us we're not nuts and explains away why we have these insane rules for ourselves and insane notions and barriers, we all want that.

I'm infamous for pondering the mysteries of life, I could spend a whole day just writing about it. Whether its trying to understand myself, the real reason I'm truly here on this earth, the talents and gifts I've been given, or if its trying to understand the people close to me, or even if its trying to understand why I feel the way I do to a certain man. But I know this, everyone in my life, whether they are close to my heart or casual acquaintances, I know every single one of them is there because they're meant to be. All of them, from...Terry who I've known for 15 years, to just a person I've never met in my life but only wanted to say hi and that they like my writing. Everyone that crosses my life does so for a reason.

But then there are those people that you feel such a deep connection to. You feel that....impalpable yet perceivable emotion. And I mean you REALLY feel it because it carries itself through out the day, and it pops up when you least expect it. And they're there, whether you want them to be or not. And sometimes you don't even know what in the hell to do with it, but you know....there's a reason for it to be there. The hard part is knowing whether its mutual. That's always the hard part, when you feel that pull, you wonder if they do too. And you hope they do, because something about them pulled you there. Pulled you to want to know about them. And it pulled you to continually want to know about them. Even if they don't want to ever know about you, even if they don't ever want to see who you really are, even if they don't ever want to let you get close, or even worse...if they don't want to try to see what's possible. But you feel it and you can't explain it, and worst of all you don't know if they'll ever tell you if they feel it. So you wonder...if they're are suppose to be in your life, are you suppose to be in theirs? Maybe all you really are in their life is a passing time, maybe you're just a nice entertainment.

And you they know that you are just that to them, or are they afraid to? Do they start thinking along the same thoughts you do- you know wondering if they tell you the truth...if it would be the same. If you would ever give them the chance? they really not feel it at all....and you've been deluding yourself the whole time. That there was really never a connection at all, and it was a lonely part of yourself trying to ease some of the pain. I wonder about that. If...when...they reveal something that they never have before....does you knowing that special part about them, that no one else may know....did that just sign an order of exclusion? I've always wondered that cause...I know there's a part of me, that somehow always seems to reach deep inside a person and touch them in a very frightening and deep way. I know that....somehow there's something in me, that always manages to see beyond the barrier. And I always get close and I always touch wounds that have rested silent for years, has ALWAYS been my undoing. Somehow I always touch a part of a man that they intended for no one to touch. And that has always been my death sentence. Cause once I touch it....I have always been hurt in the worst way imaginable. That's the real reason I've always been pushed away by men, somehow I seem to touch that barrier or make them feel something they don't want , or in my honesty is just too much for them.

And you know I always wish...or hope...hell sometimes wonder if I could just get a glimpse of my life. You know see the WHOLE outline. See where I could have either fixed or seen how close I really was to avoiding certain situation or things/places that should have been, people that I should have allowed in my life, or continued to know, or to really see things I was too scared to go for. To really see what would have happened if I did go for it, if I did take a chance. The things that I was suppose to have taken a chance on.

And what worries me is that tomorrow my path of where I was suppose to go has changed...and I don't know where the hell I'm going. frightens the HELL out of me, that I don't know whose there waiting for me, and I wonder if anyone really is. And I hold on to so many secrets and so few dreams that...maybe...just maybe....I'll open my door, or turn on my email....and its right guy that I thought I could never..EVER have....he wants to have me. That when I'm not looking....someone who...took the time to know me.....said....."you know....its gonna be hard, but she's worth that hardship." That's my one small secret dream. And no one knows about it...and I don't tell anyone about it. Cause Time has shown me, that some things you have to hide deep within in you. That I can be overwhelming and what may seem to be reckless abandon, really isn't. That even when you have a firm grip on the reality of romance, that you still have to proceed with caution. But no man...ever...has taken the time to really

And Time has taught me that no man has yet to understand the core of who I am. Not even a year and a half or 4 years later. And as much as I sit silently and try to hear the words they've all told me, they don't hear mine. That's what hurts. When a man keeps his heart locked up so tight, and tell you its just to keep it safe. But there's nothing in a heart to steal, there's only things to give. And yeah, I am enormously impressed with the strong, silent type. That aura of strength they have. It mystifies me and excites me. That his patience and mildness are soothing to my tangled and hugely complex emotions and my heart beats faster and faster just imagining what a day would be like to share an intimate, day to day relationship with that gentle, quietly humorous, wise, confirmed realistic and steady man. Then it may seem like I'm stifled by it, that I'm trying to coax him into tossing caution over his shoulder. Beckoning him to chase the clouds with me, to run through the pouring rain and smile up at the sky. But all I want him to see is that I was trying show him how to paint rainbows. To show him that there's more virtue in the exceptional than in the exciting. That there's hidden beauty in secret dreams and that the lifelong romanticism hidden deep within in, deep within in his soul would be accepted, appreciated and trusted. That is that thing I wish I could tell all those silent, strong that one woman that has the big heart, that accepts all his weaknesses, his strengths, his good, his bad, his faults....the one woman that hits the tough spots within, that maybe she's the one that's worth the hardship. But...its not like that...not in the world I live in.

But I know my dreamer's vision distracts and I've been known to take unscheduled detours. And its my own undoing. As much as I listen, sometimes I don't hear the words spoken silently, but the thing is....I honestly do hear them. I do care. I've always wondered though who has heard my silent words. Words that I write here in the mystery of my world. Who will ever hear me or....give me that real security I need of being cared by a man who accepts me as I am, with all my flaws and wouldn't trade me for another......ever. I realize that what I offer is rare enough to be a miracle. I know that the way that I am, the way that I'm built, is something that is unlike anyone else. I know that is why I have the name Milagros, because there is a part of me that is a miracle, in a very special sense of the word.

But with all that....there's only one thing I have ever wanted. I want safety, that emotional security. To know that I'm protected, that my strong, silent type will protect me. To me...that's home...where reality of one self and myself resides. That is where what they can truly give and what is truly in his heart and my heart really lives.

I know though....this is my fairy tale. That my journal, and all that I have written here.. is my fairy tale. Things that I want, things I long for, even at the moment the man I long for is a fairy tale. That as great as it looks here in written word, reality comes over and takes it away. That I may never be whisked off my feet to a surprise picnic on his lunch break, or open my front door and be stunned silent by his surprise visit, or be able to make chicken soup and pamper him when he's sick, or spend a lazy weekend talking on the phone or be with him laying in bed having a pillow fight, or feel that true gentleness my soul and heart needs, despite the wild fire I know I have inside me. I know I will never feel it, cause no man has bothered or wanted to know me. To let me into them so I can let them into me. I know I won't be given that emotional security I need. Because with those basic things I need, there are many constraints- distance, time and circumstances. I know that fairy tales are for little kids...and I'm not one at all.

I'm just a woman, wondering about the special guy, that guy who is a Prince, even though I doubt he keeps a white horse in his backyard and if he does I hope that horse has running room. But I know whatever I have been given willingly has been something I hold deep inside me and cherish in a way every man wishes to be. I'll keep my eyes open, and keep my secrets hidden. I don't know if there is a happily ever after, or if there really is a man who would try for me. A man who would see me and see the truth in my words. I'll live, and I suppose that's a good thing.

But the thing is....that's my reality and that is my truth.

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